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‘That voice that
makes me drink’
I sit here
with a hangover, feeling terrible that yet again I fell for a drink when all I
want is to be free of this feeling. I didn’t do AA; instead I drank every 3 or
4 days, usually half a bottle of whiskey or 2 bottles of wine, sometimes more.
How can I
stop following that voice that makes me drink? I’m 39 and my dad died when I
was 6 and he was 40. He drank a lot more, but I don’t want to go there. I’ve
got two little girls. I love them so much…
Anonymous
‘Something bigger
than me’
I am 20
years old. I’m young and have an amazing family and great friends. I am blessed
with all the great things life has given me.
I also have
an amazing boyfriend with whom I’ve shared many things. We like to go out and
hang out with friends and usually drinking is involved. However, I have reason
to believe that my boyfriend has drinking problems and I have witnessed how
alcohol triggers his anger. I love him with all my heart, he is the sweetest
person to me, but like all of us he has problems in his life.
There have
been many times that he drinks and I feel like I just don’t know him. He’s
someone else when he gets angry and he has pushed my own loving father on
occasion and been disrespectful to my brother. He has even gotten a little bit
rough with me and it scares me to go out anymore, especially if he has been
drinking.
I believe
all this is getting in the way of our relationship. I know he has a lot going
on and he wants to change. I want to help him, but recently my brother asked me
not to bring him around to certain parties or reunions because they don’t like
him when he drinks. It just hurts me so much to be in this position and to be
told please don’t bring him because we don’t want any problems. I think this is
something bigger than me right now.
I’m strong
but this is something that its really hurting me.
Anonymous
‘When I drink I can’t
stop’
My name is
Katie and I’m 23 years old. I’m an alcoholic. I haven’t been sober for very
long. I’ve only been trying for a few months now, but I’ve known that I had a
problem for a long time. I really believe that I did this to myself
intentionally. I’m a shy person; I never felt like I fit in and always had a
hard time making friends. I’ve struggled with depression since I was very young
and when I started drinking I thought I had found my way out.
I think the
first time I was drunk was when I was 13. I don’t really remember it, but I
know that I loved it. Once I turned 19, I moved out and found a home in a local
bar that I went to every day. This was the first place I felt totally
comfortable. It was okay for a while, but with being drunk all the time I started
making some really bad choices. Eventually, I stopped going to that bar out of
embarrassment.
At this
point in my life, I think I’ve probably been to every bar in the state. Part of
my problem is that I’m really good at covering this all up. No one thinks I
have a problem, but my drinking led me to have panic attacks. I started seeing
a shrink a few years ago and because I didn’t tell her about my drinking she
had me start taking anxiety medication. I now realize that I wasn’t having
panic attacks at all, but was having alcohol withdrawal.
When I
drink I can' t stop; I get sloppy and depressed and all I can think about is
killing myself. This is not normal, I know.
This here
is my first step. I am very nervous in the face-to-face meetings, so I’m giving
this a try. It’s nice to read others stories and see that I’m not alone.
Thanks to
everyone for sharing.
Katie
‘I’ve cried more the
past few days than I have in my whole life’
I’m just
going to hit the major details of my story because it’s a long one. My parents
are both addicts and alcoholics. I remember waking up one night and calling for
my mom, but the music was too loud and the house was full of people. I cried
for a while and then I went looking for them. She rushed me back to my room and
told me to stay in there and play. I was 5 years old and that’s when they sat
me down and explained to me that they smoked pot and I wasn’t to tell anyone
because it was illegal.
They had
many parties at our house and they always seemed to be wasted. I swore I would
never do that. When I was 9, my mom caught me trying to roll a joint out of
paper and grass from the yard. She decided that it was my dad’s fault. She left
him and we moved to North Carolina
to a small town in the middle of nowhere. There were no houses around and I had
no one to play with. I was so lonely.
We lived
there a few years, but my mom really missed the beach so we moved back to Long Beach, North
Carolina. My mom really tried to make an effort and
it was the first place that felt like a home, but it didn’t last long. A few
months later we moved again to Myrtle
Beach, South Carolina,
and my grandma came with us. I was 14.
I fell
right in with the wrong crowd and began drinking. When I was 15, I met my first
true friend. He was 8 years older than me and he was very quiet and shy. We
could talk for hours and he didn’t want anything from me but friendship. When I
was 18 I got into an abusive relationship that turned very bad quickly. I never
again let anybody get close to me, male or female, except for my one friend. My
drinking picked up and drugs entered the picture. I worked odd jobs at tourist
shops and partied all I could. I finally got a job at a restaurant and 2 weeks
later the boss had a talk with me about being intoxicated at work. He gave me
another chance but I was fired a few weeks later for stealing liquor. I worked
at a few bars and I finally found one that felt like home. I worked there until
my last drinking night when my friends threw me an early birthday party.
I drank shots
of tequila until I was ready to pass out and I just wanted to lie down. Someone
there took me in the back and told me I could stay up all night if I tried some
coke, which I did. I drank more and more that night until I finally just fell
out. I vaguely remember the doctors working on me and asking me questions. My
first real memory is when one of the doctors came in and said “Happy Birthday.
You are lucky to be alive.”
I went into
rehab; I guess you could say I was scared sober. When I got out, my mom had
moved in with her boyfriend and I lived with my grandma. I was so afraid of
failing at this program that I became the perfect little sponsee. I answered
all the questions the way I thought my sponsor would want me to and sought
approval from everyone in the program.
But,
eventually, I decided to try life on my own. After all, I was 28 years old. I
wanted everything to be just right, but I’d had a hard time with old feelings
trying to come out. I stopped going to meetings and locked myself in the house
and turned off the phones. I even stopped talking to my one true friend.
Somewhere along the line though, I talked to another friend in the AA program.
He asked all the right questions and I finally bared my soul. For the first
time I told someone every detail I could remember and I was completely honest.
That took a
couple of days. I’ve cried more the past few days than I have in my whole life.
I found it hard to believe that he was willing to take the time to talk to me
and to listen. He said, “Congratulations, you just did a major part of steps 4
and 5.” I didn’t even realize that I was working on any steps.
Today, I am
emotionally exhausted, but I feel a sense of peace that I’ve never had before.
I went to a meeting, I talked to my sponsor, and I didn’t drink! I think I can
make it!