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A number of readers have recently been in touch with Sober 24, telling their stories and sharing their experience, strength, and hope with us. If you’d like to be in touch, too, you can “Tell Us Your Story” at www.sober24.com/E_Zine/Submissions/159/. We’d love to hear from you.

‘R and D’

            I am an alcoholic/addict. I have been in about 5 rehabs. The most recent one set me back about $65,000. I was in for 21 days and stayed clean and sober about 6 weeks after I got out. Before that I paid $25,000 and was sober for about nine months. Luckily, I had good insurance.

            Anyway, they always told me it was dangerous to quit without medical supervision, so just recently I contacted them to see if they could get me into detox. Everything was fine until they found out I had no more insurance. They had always said they would be there for me, so I was really let down and disappointed when they wouldn’t admit me.

            But, rather than keep drinking, I put down the drink. That was May 26, 2008. But, I didn’t do it on my own. I did it with the help of great people on Sober24, whom I choose now to call friends. Justjody, Lotte, Boo, Topper Gal, dfreck: thank you. You got me back on the right track. Thank you and Sober24. I could not have done it without you.

            Now, I’m back in AA. Got my old sponsor back. This is kind of funny. When I asked him to be my sponsor again he said he never stopped -- I was the one that went out on research and development.

Jackson

‘Hope for a misfit like me’

            I was a high school drop out. They say alcoholics are usually high achievers and had I not quit school, I would have been only 16 years old at graduation time. But, instead I was married and expecting my first child. I know my story is not unique, but it does qualify me for another 12 step program that my sponsor suggested I attend from day one.  Not only am I recovering from alcohol/addiction but I found out that I am also addicted to mind- and mood-altering men. 

            Well I did the right thing and got married, so my child would have a father. That was not a healthy relationship, and at 2 months old my first-born son was given up for adoption. I didn't have the resources to be a good parent at that age, and the results of that loving decision gave me an excuse to drink for the next 12 years, until I walked through the doors of AA.

            Along the way I had another failed marriage and two more sons. Poor me, pour me another one.

            Finally one day I had a moment of clarity. The reality of my desperation sank in. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was going to lose again if I kept doing the same things and expecting different results. I hit my knees and prayed, God, please help me. That afternoon, I left work and was admitted into a 28-day program. Thank God. I had no idea how sick I really was at that point, but I knew I needed help, and I couldn't do this alone. 

            At first, I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I thought it was much more glamorous and exciting to be a drug addict. Then my counselor asked if I couldn’t get my drug of choice would I drink? And my answer was a resounding yes (“of course I would!”). The counselors I had in rehab were the first of many angels I met along my journey on the road to happy destiny. That was back in March of 1989.

            What a blessing the meetings have been in my life.  When I walked in I was welcomed from day one.  There was hope for a misfit like me. 

Mary

‘The next part of my healing journey’

            I was born many years ago to Eva Anikina. I was the oldest of two and my younger sister was sent to foster parents all over the place.

            Today, I don't know who she really is. I see her and talk to her, but it is very hard to be close to her. I am slowly trying to get to know her.

            She is married to an older man with whom she has three children,  2 boys and one girl. But she also has an older daughter and three other boys who are all adopted out. She is so messed up, but the greatest thing is that she doesn't drink anymore, and she is attending counseling.

            I have 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. I was married and am now divorced, though I have a lovely man in my life who doesn't drink or smoke. He is very supportive of me, though I am having a hard time accepting the love from others. Like my sister, my mother was taken from me when I was 6 and she never returned until she died. That was hard to take. I need to deal with the grieving part of my life.

            That, I believe, is the next part of my healing journey. Maybe I will write longer and deal with the feelings when I am ready. Right now I am just babbling, so I will close for now.

Judy

‘The person looking back’

            My addiction to alcohol and narcotics has stolen from me on more than one occasion over the last 25 years. It seems as if I have been trying to get sober and stay sober since I started all this madness at 12 years of age. I even got five years of sobriety under my belt from 1997 to 2002. Then the strangest thing happened. I fell for the old mental trap that is talked about in AA's Big Book: I began to think that perhaps I was not truly an alcoholic. I was probably only an addict. I mean, after all, wasn't it the dope that ruined my life and sent me to jail and away from my family? It wasn't the booze; after all, liquor is legal... 

            Well, I drank, and within two weeks I was getting high. Not long after, the Texas Department of Corrections decided that if I couldn't manage my life they certainly could -- a fine example of God doing for me what I could not do for myself! You see, when I lost all that sober time I did not go back out where I left off. It was just like all those folks in AA told me it would be. My disease had progressed into something that turned me into someone I hated and despised.  And running away from myself, I almost destroyed my daughter’s life, too.

            Well, no more! Today I choose to live a life surrounded by my peers, those who are on the same mission of sobriety as I am -- one of self-discovery and self-adjustment. 

            So, I've stopped wishing the world would change and I've started doing something that is actually possible. Thanks to the 12 steps, I'm able to look myself in the eyes once more and I'm working on liking the person looking back.

Kimberly R.

‘God couldn’t give me what my drugs could’

            I was an only child and my father died when I was 14. A couple of months later, my mother discovered she had breast cancer and died when I was 15. I had seen them both drunk on occasion, but not that often. It didn’t freak me out until my mother started using narcotics to get over the grief of my father’s death and her terminal sentence of cancer.

            I swore I would never drink, smoke or do anything my parent's generation had done and kept that up pretty much until I went away to college where I suddenly went from being a social pariah in high school to being a social hit.

            I cultivated a counter-culture image and a few months into my freshman year at college, I tried hallucinogens. In college, I fell in love with a girl who liked to drink and started hanging around people who always had alcohol. I fell hard for this girl, but one day she showed up at my apartment drunk and sloppy. Immediately, I was back 10 years earlier helping my mother off the floor and I way over-reacted. Pretty soon, though, I started to drink and not long afterward I was the one getting picked up off the floor.

            In 18 months, people who had once admired and respected me were shaking their heads at me. That was funny because, in my own mind, I was getting wittier and better looking.

            From the ages of 21-45, there were maybe 30 total days I didn't drink. Of course, I could cut back if I could get prescription opiates, but then I got up to 60 or so Vicodin a day. I tried to sober up 7 or 8 times, but deep down I felt that “God” couldn't give me what my drugs could. No matter how it was tearing up my life and how desperately I wanted to stop, I knew I was going to lose.

            At one point, I had almost a year without alcohol and was the secretary of an AA meeting, though I was doing some “recreational” heroin before the meeting.

            AA says don't quit before the miracle happens. Well, I don't remember it happening, but somewhere along about my 6th rehab, I lost the overwhelming urge to drink and use.

            While I haven’t developed much more of an understanding of God, there are things in my life that I can't explain, like why I'm alive and my children seem to love me today or how some of the principles of the program are working in my life (I find myself – occasionally – being generous and altruistic, behavior I haven't seen from me in 30 years!).

            So, if you are reading this and happen to be struggling, everything can seem impossible until, all of a sudden, it doesn't.

            Bill S.

‘All the fine cabernet in Tuscany’

            Hi, I'm Laura C. and I hate scotch. And brandy. And all that other stuff that makes your nose hairs fall out before you take a sip. So I never thought I had a drinking problem. I mean, I drank expensive cabernet!

            Okay, maybe occasionally I would slum it with a ten-dollar bottle of shiraz, But a drinking problem? Nah. I only had two or three glasses of red when I was out with the girls at lunch. Then I drove right home to take care of the kids after school, feeling fortified and empowered for the rest of the afternoon. But by 5pm, sometimes sooner, that would all wear off and I would crack that bottle of vino I was going to serve with dinner before I even began preparing the meal. That first innocent glass would turn into two or three over the course of the evening, allowing the chaos of children leaping on the sofa and dogs pooping on the carpet to slowly ebb away while the warm fuzzy feeling I was forever searching for settled back in. This was my life. Groundhog Day. Over and over again.

            The only variables were when there were no lunches with the girls I would still drink alone at home anyway. And when there were no bottles to open with dinner, I would get in the car and go get one, no matter what. Some mornings, I wouldn't even wait for lunch, and would crack that bottle right into my coffee cup. That way the visiting plumber or landscaper would be none the wiser. And then there were those days I packed the kids into the car and just drove without a second thought – errands, church meetings, playdates – not remembering a thing. Blackouts. Lovely.

            They say everyone has a bottom. My bottom was the day I finally looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. That was not the woman I was supposed to be. That was not the mother I wanted to be.  I felt completely hopeless and entirely helpless. Was I a drunk? The wine had stopped working for me anyway. I couldn't even get that warm, fuzzy feeling anymore – just straight to stupid drunk – and I couldn't get sober. 

            I called an 800 number in the phone book and found AA. I went to my first meeting on New Year's Eve. The thought of spending the rest of my life with those people in a badly-lit, musty church basement was just as horrifying as the thought of never drinking again, but they said I just had to do it one day at a time. The first two weeks were brutal. I wasn't prepared for the physical withdrawals – the shaking at 5pm every day, the noise in my head, the irritability and lack of sleep. I had been drinking myself numb every single day for twenty years (except for my two pregnancies) and was completely unaware of what emotions were. The first time I felt anger in sobriety I almost jumped out of my skin. I was like a teenager, having all these new emotions and not knowing what to do with them. My sponsor led me gently through the steps while I stumbled along beside her in a daze. There were times I wanted to just bail, but I'm glad I didn't. I have not had a drink since December 31, 2006, though I had a brief bout with painkillers in January of 2008.

            I know alcoholism is a club no one in their right mind wants to join, but for me, it has now become a blessing. Realizing that I'm broken has deepened my relationship with my family, my friends, my music and my higher power. And that makes me much stronger, happier and fulfilled. It's a gift. In some way, we are all broken, all recovering from something. Alcoholic, workaholic, TVaholic, overeating, overachieving, over-everything. No matter which club you belong to, no worries. We can get through this. Really.

            My name is Laura C. and I'm an alcoholic. And I wouldn't go back to the way it was for all the fine cabernet in Tuscany.

Laura C.

‘A name on a head stone’

            I was 13 years in recovery when the insanity returned. I blamed everybody and everything except myself for picking up a drink. I left my home of 26 years, sofa surfed and retreated into the bottle. After 3 months of oblivion my wonder woman still cared enough about me to grab me and shake me until even my rotten soul rattled. Through her intervention, I was made to realize what I had reduced myself to after working so hard for those wonderful years of sobriety.

            I contacted the AA help line, attended a Friday night meeting, and the rest, as they say, is history. Thirteen months later, I'm the treasurer of that group. I also do service in other ways.

            Thanks to my long suffering partner and a power greater than me, today I live a life of peace, sobriety, and serenity. I am so grateful to so many people and I thank them from the heart, for without them I surely would now be a name on a head stone.

            I appreciate this opportunity to tell you part of my story. I feel I have so much to learn and lots to return. I so desperately need to help those who are throwing away a god-given gift of life to the insanity of alcoholism. I could -- and so nearly did -- lose everything.

Roy