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          I'm a "former" nurse with a complete addiction to prescription pills and alcohol. I've been through 2 stays in rehab but can't seem to stay straight. I've had periods of sobriety (years even) but never complete freedom from the committee in my head. I've always been miserable when I'm sober -- sober but so depressed that life is almost unbearable.

         To be totally honest, the only time I feel good is when I'm using. I know that’s not good and that my mind is driving me crazy. However, I don't know how to control it. I've only been on this website for 3 days and it has been helpful. I'm just not sure how to navigate it completely.

         So far, I've been sober for 3 days. I live in a very rural town with no NA or AA meetings available, which is why I came to Sober24. My husband of 23 years is fed up with me. I honestly don't know why he has put up with me this long, because his dad (an alcoholic and drug abuser) has put their entire family through hell.

         I am literally struggling for my life with this disease. I have several past family members who were addicts, however, my family never could acknowledge this. I grew up in the "Cleaver" household where if you never discussed it then it never really happened.

          I began my career of drug abuse in 1988. I was a nursing supervisor at a nursing home. At the end of every month we were required to destroy any unused narcotics by flushing them down the toilet. It began innocently enough (ha) when I had a really severe headache and chose to take one of the narcotics that was in the bin to be destroyed. It was easy to do since the records that were kept could also be easily altered. That was all it took.

         Before long, however, I couldn't function without taking something. It would be the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night. I began to get riskier and started to forge prescriptions for myself. There were days when I don't even remember driving home.

         Eventually, in my 2nd rehab stay, I came clean and my therapist made me write the state board of nursing and confess. I knew it was the right thing to do but they took my license away. Nursing was the only life I knew and I was both relieved and devastated at the same time.

         My oldest child, now 22, is struggling with addiction and I feel like the worst mother and role model in the world. I know that this is a fight for my life (literally), but some days I feel like I'm not gonna win. I know I can't change the past, but my future seems pretty bleak some days.

         My older sister is an addict and lives right next to me so she is a major stumbling block to my recovery. I would just like to ask that you all keep me in your prayers and if any of you have any suggestions to help with my recovery, I would really appreciate it.

         Thanks for listening to my rambling and thank you for having such a wonderful website.

Connie

‘Too many accidents too many times’

         I am a 43 year-old teacher. I am very good at my job and have never had a problem at work. I am outgoing, popular and have a happy marriage (most of the time). My problem is that I drink too much. I can easily drink 1 or 2 bottles of wine every single night and have had many problems in the past, i.e., been attacked, fallen and hurt myself, broken an ankle, made a complete fool of myself loads of times, all under the influence, of course.

         I have tried to give up a couple of times in the past, but have always fallen off the wagon, so to speak.

         Anyway, to cut a long story short, I went out a couple of weeks ago and got trashed. I knew I had had too much, but just could not say no to the next drink. As a result, I had to be taken home in a state. My husband has tolerated this on a number of occasions and has tried to make me see the error of my ways, to no avail.

         Anyway, on this occasion, I got home not remembering anything. I woke up later, face down in a huge pool of blood, which I was covered in. I managed to get to bed.

         The next morning I awoke with a messed up face, broken nose and masses of swelling. That was it for me. Too many accidents too many times. I went to the doctor and got help straight away.

         It has been 12 days now since my last drink and it is hard, but I feel positive. The easy bit is giving up, the hard bit is staying sober. I am pleased with my progress so far and hope I can find similar stories here to keep me focused.

Anonymous

‘It is now day 2 of sobriety’

         I'm a female alcoholic who has been struggling for the past 29 years with alcohol addiction. I've seen psychiatrists, counselors, taken Naltrexone, the works! I did manage to stay sober for 6 months a year and a half ago after I started AA meetings.  However, after 8 weeks of meetings I was outed by an AA member and this shook me up.  I felt that to go back to AA meetings could mean further public exposure and I am so fearful of this.

         I stopped going to AA but stayed sober for the next 4 months until I went on a vacation. Straight away, I was back into the whole drinking/insanity cycle. It has been going on for the past 16 months. I am so fed up. I never wanted this to happen, but it has.

         I can't at this stage get back to AA meetings, but am so grateful to be able to connect with people online. It is now day two of sobriety and I am spending a lot of time online, reading and taking in the great advice from other members. 

          Part of me is full of fear that I will fail again and those thoughts keep going through my head that I am a hopeless case. I am trying really hard to keep it all in the present. I need to take the first step, one day at a time. 

Anonymous

‘A spring in my step’

         I was 19 when I started drinking and I liked the way it made me feel. I could run away from my problems temporarily, only to find that they would return again after I sobered up. So then I would have another drink.

         I’m now 36 and have tried numerous times to stop. You know how it is, waking up feeling like death and telling yourself that you won’t do that ever again. Only to return to the same place you were the day before, and the day before and the day before that.

         I’ve done well with my career and my home life. I’ve been with the same partner since I was 19, through thick and thin. He also drinks but doesn’t have a problem like I do. I had a bad patch 2 years ago and decided that the time had come to get off the booze. My doctor prescribed Campral and I am also going to therapy every week to find where my issues are and why I’m so self-destructive.

         So far so good. I’ve been dry for 4 weeks and am now training for my second marathon. I’m feeling much better and have a spring in my step. I’m keeping myself occupied and just hope that as time goes on it will get easier and I won’t even think about my old friend the booze.

Jay

 ‘I had run out of excuses’

            I come from a nomadic family and have pretty much traveled the world. I started drinking at 12 and got drunk at my first try. It helped me feel less frightened, lonely, and lost.

            Eventually, I moved to New York and there I seriously started drinking. New York is an easy place to get drunk in and I loved the feeling of finally being able to do what I wanted.

            I continued off and on for years, finally finding my husband and merging with him. Unfortunately, it wasn't a very mature relationship as I became needy and clingy and he couldn't wait to get away from me. I drank and drank, embarrassing him and myself at parties. We had a baby, but of course that didn't do the trick to save my marriage. I adore my daughter but after she was born I started drinking again.

            I finally stopped in January 2000. I don't know why. I was just fed up and I had run out of excuses for my drinking and people to blame. I had been in and out of AA but never believed in it or anything else for that matter. I think the thought of my daughter stopped me from committing suicide during those years.

            I got myself a sponsor, took suggestions, and worked the steps. I'm not saying that life isn't difficult, but at least I'm sober enough to go to work, to actually be with my daughter, and to watch people react to me normally without an expression of disgust or loathing.

            I am happy to be alive, even if it is painful at times, and have discovered that it is worse to go through life deadened by booze than to experience it sober with all faculties present. Most times, the actual pain isn't as cataclysmic as I expect in my mind. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Anonymous