Spotlight On

I believe God gives me what I need when I need it, and that night I found a wonderful Al-Anon message board on the Internet. There were hundreds of messages and I read them all. I read about a higher power, about the steps and slogans. Most of what I read I didn’t understand, but I felt I’d found a home. After reading for hours, I posted my own cry for help, then turned off the computer and plugged the phone back in. About fifteen minutes later the phone rang. It was my husband. He’d been arrested for DWI and needed me to call a lawyer to get him out. Several things went through my mind all at once. One was that he was in jail, a horrible place. I’ve never been in jail, but I believe everyone who tells me it is a horrible place. Next was that it was my fault. If only I hadn’t forgotten to tie the keys around my neck, he wouldn’t be there.

Then the word boundaries popped into my head. Several days earlier we had had an argument and I’d told him, “When you get busted for DWI, don’t even call me, I won’t get you out.” Seems I’d set a boundary. I knew then that if I didn’t do something different, nothing would change. So I told him no, I wouldn’t get him out. I said, “You got yourself into this and you can get yourself out.”

He didn’t like that and let me know in some very explicit language. I told him I loved him and to take care of himself. Then I hung up the phone. That was the worst night of my life. I was alone; there wasn’t anyone I could talk to. I felt so ashamed. My husband was in jail, it was my fault, and I had knowingly left him in there. It was also the night I took the first step toward recovery. I’d reached out to Al-Anon, took one of their suggestions, and did something different.

I went back to that message board many times after that night and it was about a month later that I went to my first f2f meeting.

Since then I’ve gotten a sponsor and worked the steps several times. The first time I worked the steps it was on something relatively simple, my teeth. (I wasn’t going to put my biggest stuff out there until I knew these steps worked, you know?) I have a gum disease and I needed to go to the dentist. But I was ashamed and afraid. I put the steps to the test and after months of work, prayer and encouragement I had a beautiful smile. That worked so well I decided to try this program on my husband. (Still not my biggest stuff, but much bigger than my teeth.)

Do you believe in coincidences? I think it is a God thing that my husband and I both hit our bottoms on the same night.

Right after he got out of jail he started going to AA meetings. There were a few relapses. As he puts it, “I liked the first month of sobriety so much, I did it four times.” I love his sense of humor and I love that he’s been sober quite a while now.

Nevertheless, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to practice my program. I learned about detaching with love when I first met the Beast. The Beast was the rage that was my husband’s companion during the first months of his sobriety. Even though he was not usually angry at me, I was often the target for his rage.

At first I reacted with my own anger saying, “You can’t talk to me that way.” My anger only made things worse. Then I tried guilt, saying with tears in my eyes, “You shouldn’t talk to me that way.” Guilt only made things worse. That’s when I set my second boundary. I learned to say, “I’m not going to listen to this,” and then to leave the house. I remember once I left the house every night for a week. I learned to let him do or be whatever he needed to do or be and to take care of myself. I’d call my sponsor, meet someone for coffee, or sit alone in the park and read my literature.