SPOTLIGHT ON…
From girl to woman: ‘I couldn’t count on myself. I couldn’t
count on my emotions’
by Sara Solovitch
At 28, Holly is a cute
blond who most people would never guess was once a serious drug addict. But
until last year, when it came to drugs and alcohol, Holly was an omnivore. She
did everything that came her way; as a result of her drug use, she has
hepatitis C.
For the first time in
her life, Holly is on track. Last September, she graduated from Fayette County Drug Court
in Lexington, Ky., as well as from a women’s aftercare
program. Holly was willing to tell her story in her own words, but requested
that her full name not be used, citing the stigma of substance abuse.
———
I was raised in an alcoholic home. My dad was very abusive
to my mother growing up. I remember him one time pulling her hair out and me,
being waist-high to him, hitting him as hard as I could. I was full of anxiety
as a child. I didn’t like to have friends come over because I couldn’t count on
myself. I couldn’t count on my own emotions.
After my dad left the house, I was molested, sexually abused
and raped — all by a friend of the family. I ran away from home with an older
guy when I was 14, and he had his way me with for a week.
I started smoking marijuana when I was 12 years old. I’m 28
now. It escalated to drinking, tripping on acid and taking speed by the time I
was 14. I had my first job when I was 16, and that’s when I started doing
painkillers. Then cocaine — I went from snorting to smoking to shooting;
heroin; ecstasy. I did whatever was available.
I was a blackout drinker, anything to numb out. It helped
temporarily. But when I came back off the high, the pain would be there and it
would be even more intense. It got to the point where I was crying even when I
was getting high, because I knew it would barely numb me.
I overdosed several times. I had seizures, my lungs
collapsed, my kidneys failed. But I kept doing it. I was 16 when my first child
was born. I was in an abusive relationship with her father. I smoked marijuana
the whole time I was pregnant with her. I quit drinking when I was pregnant
with her — not that smoking marijuana is OK. But she wasn’t born addicted.
My second child was born a week after I turned 18. I had
started doing pills and my drinking really picked up after I had him. The kids
lived with me for a short period of time, until my mother suggested that she
take them ’til I got “on my feet.” Which was her way of saying I had a problem.
But I wanted my freedom, I really did. I was young, I didn’t have a husband
anymore.
My mother had the kids for three or four years, and then,
when I was 21, I had another child. By that last pregnancy, I couldn’t stop
using for anything: cocaine, heroin, Dilaudid, OxyContin, you name it.
Here I was doing all these drugs, but afraid that if I drank
my baby would be born with fetal alcohol syndrome. So I didn’t drink. I never
had any prenatal care, but my daughter was OK. I think she had withdrawal
symptoms but they didn’t detect it in the hospital — maybe because I’d managed
to straighten up that last month.
In 2003, I went into treatment at the Women’s Health Center
in Lexington
and relapsed eight months later. Then in June 2004, the police came to arrest
me (for a probation violation). Any other time, I would have given them a false
name. That day, I told them, “I’m Holly, I’ve got warrants, please take me.” I
was miserable.
Jail was a better option than what I was doing. At least
there I would sleep, I would eat, I would know I was safe. I started going to
AA meetings while I was there (for two months), and then I asked to go to drug
court. I had made up my mind. I knew that if I didn’t make it work, I was going
to die out there.
The judge ordered me to another women’s residential facility
— Chrysalis House. I completed the residential part in June 2005, and I’m
finishing the aftercare part on the 22nd (of March). I will definitely stay
grounded in AA. I’ve got a sponsor, I work the (12) steps with the community
I’m in, and I love the 12-Step program. It’s changed me.
I think the reason it worked this time, the main difference,
was because Chrysalis House gave me parenting skills and job skills. I had
never worked a full-time job. I had never been accountable like that. Some of
the people in treatment with me were nurses or women who had gone to college.
They hated those classes. But it was the best thing that happened to me.
When they told me I would have to work a 40-hour-a-week job,
I broke down crying. I said I didn’t know how to do that. They showed me that
it took skills to survive out there. That it was a full-time job being an
addict. And I could turn around those skills — like creativity, the constant
hustle and energy we needed to come up with drugs — to help society. We’re
salesmen, basically.
But when I had to go on an interview — oh, my God! I had to
dress up in a suit. And I was trying not to fidget because I had learned not to
fidget.
Chrysalis House got me a temporary position that turned into
a full-time job. I’ve been there a year now. I never worked anywhere for a
year! It shows I’m capable of doing anything I turn my mind to. God has truly
blessed me.
I’m a staff support administrator and I love what I do. I
love the people I work with. Being accountable to society, getting up and going
to work — I love it. The past month, I’ve even been getting up before the alarm
clock goes off. And I’m not a morning person.
Another thing: I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12
years old. Chrysalis House made sure that that I saw a psychiatrist and got
medicated. It turns out I was self-medicating for many years.
I have a conscience today, I’m aware of who I am. I have
self-respect. I have all three of the kids occasionally. My youngest daughter —
her aunt was awarded temporary custody, and at this point she’s not comfortable
spending the night with me, so I have to respect that. If it’s meant for them
to be in my life full time, it will happen.”
From the Robert Wood Johnson
Foundation's "Silent Treatment: Addiction in America" project, produced by
Public Access Journalism LLC.