SPOTLIGHT ON…

Letters from Readers

A number of readers have recently been in touch with Sober 24, telling their stories and sharing their experience, strength, and hope with us. If you’d like to be in touch, too, you can “Tell Us Your Story” at www.sober24.com/E_Zine/Submissions/159/. We’d love to hear from you.

‘Here I am today’
            I am so glad to have found Sober24. I have been trying to tell my story at face-to-face AA meetings but I just break down crying each time and can't finish. One member told me last night that it would come in time, however, I want to tell my story; I need to tell my story, for me.

            Eight years ago, I stopped drinking and quit doing crystal meth. My husband had never been addicted to or had a problem with anything in his life and he gave me an ultimatum. Him and a life of sobriety, or nothing at all. I chose him and sobriety. I did it on my own. No AA or rehab or treatment, just my own willpower.

            For eight years, I didn't drink at all. Nor did I touch the meth. What I did do, however, is get hooked on prescription painkillers. Oxycodone, Percocet, Lorcet, Loratab, Vicodin, etc., which I got for a surgery I had on my hip. Additionally, a little over a year ago, I gave birth to my third son. While I was pregnant, I developed a problem with my kidneys and the doctor had me taking more prescription painkillers. My son was born perfectly fine, thank God, but I continued going from doctor to doctor dealing with the kidney problem.

            Sometime during all of this, I got hooked. I don't even know how or when, but it happened. I started lying to my husband and hiding it. I got to the point where I was buying pills from other people and still going to the doctors to get more.

            One day, I woke up and just said, "I can't do this anymore.” I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was very lucky that my husband didn't get mad at me. In fact, it was just the opposite and he did all he could to get me help. My primary doctor sent us to a Pain Management Specialist who put me on medication to stop my withdrawals and curb my cravings for the drugs. The program he has me on is very, very good. I don't have to go check into a facility or anything like that. I stay at home with my family and get better every day. I go to this doctor for counseling, medication and therapy. It is working. I have been sober now for 40 days.

            I wonder sometimes why I couldn't get sober on my own this time, like I did before. Am I a weaker person today than I was eight years ago? I just don't know; however, I do know that at the root of my problem is alcohol. Years ago, the wheels started turning with just one drink.

            So, somewhere inside of me is my old alcoholic self. I guess I only thought I fixed myself eight years ago. I didn't. So, here I am today. That' s my story.

Anonymous

‘Life on life’s terms’

            My name is Heather. I am an addict currently living in Virginia, though I grew up in Manhattan, in the fast lane. My home life was not all that great. My father was a mean drunk and I learned at an early age to protect myself, watch my back and what not. I began smoking pot at 11 and quickly became a stoner. It went like that until I was 16 and was introduced to heroin.

            By 18, I was a full-blown junkie, shootin’ dope daily. I had moved out of my house at 16. The streets were more welcoming than home and I learned very quickly what a woman had to do to support a habit on the streets. Right before my 19th birthday I was arrested for prostitution and spent a week in jail. As soon as I got out, I was using again. Things went this way for quite awhile.

            After an accidental overdose I realized that if I didn’t do something quick, I was going to die. I decided to go into a free detox center fresh off the streets and got clean. From there I joined the Air Force. I stayed clean while I was in the military, although I was drinking heavily. I did a tour in the Gulf and got out as soon as I could. I was suffering from PTSD and decided to self-medicate. I was right back on the horse, so to speak.
            Back on the streets, I did whatever I had to do to support my habit and one day, after running out of friends, dope, and ways to come up with money, I had the smart idea of going into a pharmacy, armed, and demanding all their narcotics. I was so dope-sick I had no idea what I was doing. I quickly found out that the pharmacist had a little button under the counter he could push and an alarm that went out directly to the cops.

            So, off to prison I went for 4 and ½ years. There I was introduced to Narcotics Anonymous and upon release I headed straight for NA. I found a group of people who were just like me, but were not using. I had finally found a place where I belonged.

            I stayed clean, working the program for 5 years, 5 wonderful years. That brings me to 11 months ago when my husband, who was suffering from manic depression, blew his brains out in front of our son and me. I didn’t know what to do, so I started using again and not long ago overdosed doing speedballs. I found myself in the hospital on life support. When I came to I realized that I could not live with or without drugs and that I needed help. I crawled back into the rooms of NA where I was welcomed with open arms.

            It has not been an easy road, but with the help of NA and you people I have stayed clean for 9+ months. Life still goes on, but today I can actually deal with it.

            There have been many consequences of my addiction, one of which is AIDS. Things could be a lot worse; I could be 6 feet under. It’s hard knowing that I was the one who created this circumstance for myself, but that’s life on life’s terms. I have days that are rough, but I also have days full of serenity. Those are the days I have to hang on to.

            Today I can honestly say that I am a grateful recovering addict. This program has saved my life.

            Thank you for the opportunity to walk with you guys in recovery.

Heather

‘Restored to health’

            What it was like: I was the eldest child in an alcoholic/addict home. My Dad is a minister and my mother was a nurse. Our home life was full of violence, discord and abuse. I became fiercely independent and got a job in the 6th grade. I saved all that money to leave home and go to college. I was full of self-pity and rage and vowed I would never get married and never have children. I did get married once, though, to a wonderful man, but I never had children. I carried this horrid bitterness all my life. Years of therapy didn’t help me much. I remained bitter, resentful, and very sad.
            For years, I didn’t drink like an alcoholic; it would have interfered with my drive for success. But during my divorce I started drinking to calm my nerves and dull the pain. I was afraid of being single again after 15 years of marriage and my drinking just progressively got worse. If I didn’t feel like cleaning the house, I would have a drink and get the energy. If I couldn’t sleep, I would drink and it would tranquilize me. If I had a bad day at work or was angry, alcohol filled me with self-justification. Alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself.
            I started drinking in the morning and eventually decided to just drink myself to death. I bought a car load of scotch at Costco, fired the housekeeper so I would be totally alone, ended my consulting contract in Silicon Valley, went home and started drinking around the clock. I did that for nine months, during which time I almost never ate. Indeed, I was dying, but not fast enough.
            What happened: On January 14^th, 1997, I woke up full of rage. Looking at the pitiful state of my home, with my hands shaking so badly I couldn’t open the door to the bathroom, I beat my fists on the ground yelling “I didn’t work this hard all my life to grow up to be a ****ing alcoholic.”
            I called the treatment center that had fixed my best friend’s drinking problem. She was a much worse alcoholic than I was, so I figured if they could fix Liz they could fix me. I walked into St. Helena treatment center with the biggest grin on my face. I was full of relief. Step one had taken me. I knew I was powerless and I was turning my entire problem and life over to the staff at St. Helena. I had surrendered.
            I was so hopeless I became willing to do everything my counselor recommended. I went to a very restrictive halfway house for women, lived with them for 18 months, immersed myself in AA, went to 2 and 3 meetings a day for the first year of my sobriety, and got a sponsor and worked the steps as thoroughly as I could.

            My true recovery began a year and a half later when I attended a one week Book Study at a Franciscan monastery. I wrote my own 3rd step prayer, prayed it in the woods alone on this beautiful monastic site on Good Friday. On Easter Sunday I awoke and had my first serious spiritual experience. I began my 4th step and wrote for 2 hours a day until it was done. I was so afraid to relive all my childhood experiences and hatreds I had to pray constantly for courage and help from this power. The power just kept filling me with the courage to be in pain, only this time I could experience it, feel it and identify my part in it.

            For weeks I was full of rage. I went to a lot of extra meetings while I was writing. The depth of my anger frightened me, yet I never had an urge to drink! I began to see that my drinking was a symptom and that I really had to be rid of all this poisonous resentment and self-pity. Then I wrote the list of all my fears.

            I went on to finish the steps and my resentments melted to the floor. I actually did amends with all members of my family who were willing to hear them and for those who refused, I read the amends to God and to my sponsor.

            Through the steps I was restored to health. My obsession was lifted, my resentments were gone and my spiritual bankruptcy was ended. I was full of the sunlight of the spirit. I had recovered.
            What it is like now: Today, 5 and ½ years later, I am so grateful to the 12 steps. I have a whole new life based on being God reliant. I have a new way of dealing with life’s problems. I chose to be in the solution not the problem and I try to be of maximum service to others on a daily basis.
            I hope that my experience will be of use to someone here at Sober24. The message I carry is that you, too, can recover if you are willing to work the steps.

            I came to AA to quit drinking. I have received so much more!

Suzanne T