I am an addict of a “different” kind. I was diagnosed with Codependent Obsessive Love Addiction (OLA) over 10 years ago. At that time, I didn’t understand the diagnosis; I didn't care about treatment; I didn't think I had a “problem”; and I definitely didn't have a support system.
My addiction is not taken as seriously as a drug or alcohol addiction. I believe it is because not many people with OLAs are even aware they are addicts. I myself didn't see it years ago or even one year ago, because it wasn't anything I could hold, ingest or be “seen” with. My addiction is scary in the sense that I could hide it forever and no one (but me) would ever know I was an addict.
I come from a great family, but things started going downhill for me when I was raped and abused by someone outside my family at the age of 13. I believe this is why I became sexually promiscuous, had a child at 16, accepted toxic, abusive relationships, became a stripper and a prostitute, while tolerating cheating, lying, and never using sexual protection with boyfriends.
On the outside, I appeared to be in full control of my life. Yet, on the inside, I was a toxic, emotional mess. I manipulated people into liking me. I lied and intimidated. I obsessed over people I had just met. I confused the initial euphoric state with love. Letting people think I was an open-minded and fun-loving person was my trap. Soon after, I turned into close-minded, overbearing person.
When boyfriends finally left me -- and they always left me -- my control issues and jealousy would cause me to lose my mind. I became what some people called “love sick.” I would feel totally alone, have thoughts of suicide, and immediately start looking for a replacement for my ex. But I could never let go and I would contact my exes continually, starting with pleas for them not to leave me (or to come back). I was very good at making them think I was interested in their needs. However, if I didn't get what I wanted or hear what I wanted, I would get very angry. I could go from sad and loving to angry and vengeful in a matter of minutes. I would constantly look for reasons to contact my exes, even if it was a lie, and if they contacted me back, which they usually did because they were typically some kind of addict themselves, their replies would simply fuel the fire for me to continue burning my flame.
As I said, I've been aware of my diagnosis for some time. However, despite the recurring problems, I never sought help. I chose instead to blame the other person and to put myself on a pedestal. I would even secretly bash them to my friends and family so well that everyone would believe that I was the “injured” one. Typically, the person had already shown their bad side, yet I always kept mine hidden.
My most recent relationship was a case in point. He was an alcoholic, manic-depressive, and drug addict who I took in because his friends and family had turned their backs on him. He lived with me and I paid for everything. I babied his addictions and the idea that I was saving him gave me self-gratification.
But, at the end of last year, through a family intervention, he moved back to Los Angeles to enter a treatment center for thirty days. Of course, I still blamed him for the mess our relationship had become, even though I had created it all myself. When he chose to remain in LA in a sober living home instead of coming back to live with me after treatment was over, I went into a downward spiral.
Two weekends ago we saw each other in LA. Visiting him was not a good idea. It was a terrible idea, actually. All of my euphoric feelings came back and I begged him to come home. But he is healthier now, or trying, and can see right through my issues. Painful as it was, the visit made me realize that I no longer wanted the life I was leading. I decided I needed to change my lifestyle.
When I'm healthy enough to start a new relationship, I want it to be a true relationship out of real love. Not motivated from me saving someone so I can feed my addiction.
I am ready to end this cycle of abusing myself. I've joined a few groups and have been to two meetings. It is not easy for me to find people with my type of addiction. Most sites and recovery programs are geared toward alcohol and drugs. We too are addicts of a different kind, but addicts nonetheless.
Krissy K. is a member of Sober 24 who has shared her story with us. If you’d like to be in touch, too, you can “Tell Us Your Story.” We’d love to hear from you.