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| 1/6/2010 |
Reflections On Forgiveness
By Richard Simonelli
richsimone@aol.com
Self-Forgiveness
Far away in the city neighborhood an English sparrow is singing. Almost lost in the street noise, the automobiles, the hum of machinery, its brave little song comes in through an open window. A tentative che-eep, che-eep comes straight into prayer and meditation and suddenly it is all right. The difficult places, the sorrow and confusion, the visionless spaces that make up the mind and heart are suddenly illuminated and put to rest.
Che-eep, che-eep––a message from the spirit world, the natural world, cuts through. That little bird’s song carries vision and delight. It is important to forgive ourselves for our own confusion and unhappiness. It’s important to forgive ourselves for our own failures and stuckness––for the dreams, desires and visions that did not come true. If it seems that we may go unfulfilled in the ways we expected or strived for, we must be especially kind to ourselves in self-forgiveness. It is also important to forgive ourselves for the wounds we carry and the harm we caused others. Through the medium of prayer or meditation, or perhaps just letting a note of birdsong cut through, we can find compassion for ourselves in the midst of insufficiency.
Self-forgiveness is ultimate friendliness to oneself. And it’s also one of the most difficult courtesies to extend inwardly. If someone else hurts us in some way it is often easier to accept their apology and to forgive him or her than it is to forgive ourselves for the same infraction. Self-forgiveness is part of the climate of kindness that arises when the heart begins to open. Kindness cuts through perfectionism and judgementalness. It’s not that we become so lax that we fail to do good work or to hold just standards; but co-existing with precision and rigor, both kindness and forgiveness must be very close at hand. Otherwise our social systems quickly fall out of balance.
We are living in a time of high-performance, breakneck accomplishment. As a culture, we pride ourselves in achievement after achievement. The wondrous breakthroughs of contemporary culture often come at the expense of a competition or achievement habit. Competition is healthy and growth-oriented up to a point. But after a certain degree of striving, competition turns cancerous to individuals and the culture alike. Competition is one of the great harms of contemporary culture. Competition, done with poor spirit and intent, is just a nasty argument with life. But competition has an antidote. The healing aspect of deadly competition is cooperation. Cooperating with ourselves, rather than constant inner struggle and striving, is self-forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness is compassion turned inward. We feel for ourselves. We care for ourselves. We feel for our finite, vulnerable and all-too-human traits and abilities. Insufficiencies, character defects, and habit patterns must first be forgiven in ourselves or we will just project them onto others. When individuals begin to find and operate out of a climate of compassion and self-forgiveness, relationships will automatically change for the better. And they will begin to improve without all the relationship therapy that assaults us today from every direction.
Relationship healing begins in the discovery of self-forgiveness and compassion to ourselves. When I forgive me for the confusion and darkness in my own life, suddenly, miracles are possible between you and me, and between me and the world at large. The seed for being able to forgive the unforgivable things that have been done to individuals, families, communities and nations is personal self-forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness leads to the forgiveness of other people and the hurtful parts of institutions, world views and mindsets. But forgiveness must not be a license to continue harming others through our actions or our value systems. The forgiveness transaction means that the perpetrator must cease doing harm––otherwise forgiveness becomes a nasty political, psychological or religious game. Forgiving the unforgivable in ourselves or others is a radical act, paving the way for peace and non-violence in our suffering contemporary culture.
The English house sparrow is the loyal friend of city neighborhoods. She infiltrates the densest city living with reminders of the natural world. Che-eep, che-eep on a morning when the inner climate is bleak and hard. Che-eep, che-eep, lighting up prayer and meditation. Only by re-entering the natural world can we really find deep healing. Only when we have re-activated membership in the family of birds and plants, rocks and trees, will some of the deepest causes of human suffering be removed. When we have balanced our urban tendencies and brilliant intellectual abilities with the stuff of the land, healing will be ours. Then the human gift of creativity and quest will come into balance. Then we will live sustainably as a society.
My intent is to forgive myself and to live humbly in compassion within my limitations and capabilities. To live from an open heart.
Forgive the Unforgivable
In my generation, many of the important institutions of mainstream society broke down and were not able to nurture us as we grew up and became adults. So even though I was raised in the Christian faith I was not able to draw upon my own Judeo-Christian traditions when I most needed help. But I consider myself lucky having come to the Buddhist tradition as a young man. I was lucky to have studied and practiced for many years with Japanese, British and Tibetan Buddhist teachers. That’s why, when I heard the phrase Forgive the Unforgivable, I was stopped in my tracks.
In some schools of the Zen Buddhist tradition, students are given mind puzzles or mental riddles by the teacher to accompany them in their sitting meditation. “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” is one of the more famous riddles. “What is your face before your mother and father were born?” goes another. Or how about this: “Climb up a hundred foot pole and take one step out.” In the Rinzai Zen Buddhist tradition of Japan these puzzles are called Koans. Students who work with them are seeking to cut through the endless internal self-talk we all experience and which keeps us from the simple truth of what’s happening right now. The moment I heard “Forgive the unforgivable,” I knew it was a personal Koan meant for me.
I knew I had fallen out with certain friends, that long-term friendships had given way to grudges, smoldering anger, or outright hostility. For others, I could see that divorce produced sparks of hatred between the one-time couple, continuing to harm the children long after separation and the settlement were final. For many of us, a work-related or group-process situation was the source of unresolved conflict or hurt. I could see that old associates avoided each other on the street and those who were once involved with one another became strangers again. On and on it goes. Every unforgiven old wound is like a black cloud covering the sun. Every unforgiven slight saps our energy and makes it harder to share love with colleagues, family or friends in this present moment.
But how can I forgive the unforgivable? After all, the hurt I’m carrying is unforgivable. It’s too big, and too ugly for forgiveness. I can forgive the little things––like a neglected birthday or an anniversary––but what about the big ones. Like sexual abuse, or severe verbal punishment? Or battering? What about genocide and the suppression of whole cultures of people?
For me, forgiving the unforgivable can never only be a sentimental, “well-meaning” gesture. I must understand how I hurt you before I can really accept your forgiveness. That understanding takes hard inner work. Hard work often takes the form of personal reflection, discussions with others, new learning situations or prayer and meditation. And it may take time. I find that a certain amount of time must go by before my friend and I are ready to forgive each other.
Forgiving the unforgivable is also connected with what has been called a state of grace. Self-will, my will, can’t forgive the unforgivable. Something much bigger has to be present.
To forgive the unforgivable, first I have to be willing to forgive myself for the many mistakes I’ve made in my own life. Mistakes in parenting, the inability to love, and sticking with forms of livelihood that were not good for me are things that I forgive in myself daily. But forgiving the unforgivable is not really a step-by-step process. Even though I have to prepare myself with reflection, heart and time, finally, I just have to take a chance. I just have to let go of the past. I have to step out from the top of the 100-foot pole with courage, vulnerability and good will as my only companions.
But before I step out, I seek help to prepare. I often fall back on Steps 8-10 of the Twelve Step Tradition when seeking forgiveness, because even after I’ve forgiven, sometimes the shadow of old habits, patterns, and beliefs drifts across the sun. That’s when Step 10 comes through: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Steps 8-10 are the forgiveness steps. As soon as I sense that I caused an inadvertent hurt, the magical words, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” become available as an on-the-spot healing prayer.
Forgiving the unforgivable may be the most important thing we can do for and with each other in order to rebuild community. But I need to be ready, willing and able to open up to the differences between me and my friend in order to achieve a robust forgiveness. And my friend must do likewise. When we see, voice, value and honor our differences, then the things we have in common become a strong foundation on which to build friendships, families and communities.
To be willing to forgive the unforgivable is the greatest gift I can give myself. It is only from a state of forgiveness that the doors of healing, hope and unity truly open up for me. If I am not willing to forgive, these doors are forever shut. If I am willing to forgive but can’t, these doors may still open.
Forgiveness is first and foremost healing for me. When I am in healing, then the great suffering and crimes of the world at large may find relief. Wishing won’t make it so––but the personal healing journey will.
“How can I forgive the unforgivable,” asks the self-talk within my head. “How?” it demands. “It’s just too hard, and besides, it wasn’t my fault anyway,” it reasons on.
Enough time had passed. I took a deep breath and phoned my friend. We got together and talked about the usual things. I sensed that he, too, was waiting for an opening. We looked into each other’s eyes. “Please forgive me,” I said. There was a pause. “I do,” he said. Another pause. “Please forgive me, too,” he requested. And I do.
Oh Great Mystery, the thinking mind and the emotions help me prepare, but their doorway never brings forgiveness. Please help the heart to open; please help me to release.
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