Toolbox

The simplicity contained in the recovery slogan First Things First completely escaped most of us during our active drinking and drugging. Consistently jumping to conclusions, we were like people who read the last few pages of a book and said we were done. The idea of taking logical, incremental steps toward any particular end was preposterous – who had time for all that stuff? And besides, what could it possibly tell us that we didn’t know already? Our arrogance, impulsivity, and disregard for process conspired time after time to short-circuit our success, leaving us angry, frustrated and looking for someone to blame.

A simple refocusing, however, began to put things back into perspective. If we were willing to start at the beginning of our emotional, physical, and spiritual endeavors, we found there was a sense of logic to our actions, that we were developing a context into which the facts seemed to fit more appropriately. We realized how much we were missing by reading the last few pages of the book. It was like trying to make amends in Step Nine without first developing the willingness to do so in Step Eight. Putting First Things First, we found, was a wonderful way of keeping both feet on the ground.

Identify, Don't Compare

Pushing aside mountains of evidence about our addictions was a hallmark for many of us. Faced with overwhelming confirmation of our problems, it was as if we prided ourselves in having reality dismissed on a technicality. We found it was easy to deflect all kinds of difficult truths about ourselves by focusing only on the minutiae. For example, we could discount the statement “You’re drinking all the time,” coming from a hurt and angry spouse, thinking to ourselves, “Not all the time,” counting in perhaps those few hours when we were passed out, using that tiny irregularity as a wedge to separate ourselves from any impact the statement might have had. But in recovery, we learned to identify rather than to compare. It didn’t do any good to pick apart what we were hearing and to distance ourselves from people simply because they were drinking whiskey and we only drank gin. By using identification to bring us closer to others, we were able to recognize ourselves in them and to feel the stirring of hope that if they could recover, we could too.

Living in the now

While caught up in our addictions, we spent most of our time shuttling back and forth between the future and the past, rarely touching down in the here and now. Most of us found the present to be too painful. But in recovery the present became a much easier place to inhabit. We found that we were able to enjoy life more easily if we just stayed put. Living in the now was easier by far than the awkward time travel we had engaged in for so long, alternately reminiscing about the good old days or dreading imagined difficulties to come. Or maybe it was the other way around and we spent most of our waking hours bemoaning the past while dreaming of a bright new tomorrow where all the wrongs done us would be set right and we would finally get our due. It wasn’t easy at first, but slowly we got better at staying focused on what was right here, right now. “Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; but today is cash in hand.”

Taking inventory

In business terminology, many of us didn’t know what we had on the shelves when we first came into recovery. After years of mismanagement, much of the stock had gone bad and our reserves were depleted. On the brink of bankruptcy as going human concerns, we needed a major overhaul, and sobriety proved to be just the ticket. But, what to do with all that stuff – emotional, physical, and spiritual baggage – we had carted around for years? How could we tell what was worth holding onto and what needed to be chucked out? The answer was to be found in a “searching and fearless moral inventory” as suggested in AA’s Step Four. By examining our past behavior and scrutinizing how we treated others, we began to get a picture of what kind of people we really were – of where we needed improvement and how our character defects had warped our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. Without such an honest self-appraisal, we found we couldn’t continue moving forward with the changes we so desperately needed.

Keeping the Memory Green

Selective memory is a disconcerting element of alcoholism and addiction, and sometimes we tend to remember only the elegance and romance of the first drink or drug – perhaps as we dine in a fine restaurant or share tender moments among friends – often forgetting the inevitable outcomes that seemed to flow more often than not when we picked up a drink or a drug, leaving us, perhaps, laying face down on a dirty sidewalk, stoned again. Better to think the drink or drug use through to its logical conclusion and to keep the memory green by reminding ourselves of how things really were.

Staying Stopped

It was easy for many of us to stop. We did it all the time – to get people off our backs, to prove a point, to clear up for a little while. But staying stopped often proved a more difficult task. Once the novelty wore off, it was usually just a matter of time before finding an excuse to start the downward cycle all over again. Staying stopped required a whole different commitment, though – and often meant leaving behind familiar people, places, and things we thought we couldn’t live without. But in the end, simply staying stopped became an easier thing to do than trying to pick up the pieces, yet again, of another failed attempt to keep our addiction in check.

Availing yourself of a sponsor

(From the AA World Services, Inc. publication, “Living Sober”)

“In the earliest days of AA, the term ‘sponsor’ was not in the AA jargon. Then a few hospitals in Akron, Ohio, and New York began to accept alcoholics (under that diagnosis) as patients – if a sober AA member would agree to ‘sponsor’ the sick man or woman. The sponsor took the patient to the hospital, visited him or her regularly, was present when the patient was discharged, and took the patient home and then to an AA meeting. At the meeting, the sponsor introduced the newcomer to other happily nondrinking alcoholics. All through the early months of recovery, the sponsor stood by, ready to answer questions or to listen whenever needed.

“Sponsorship turned out to be such a good way to help people get established in AA that it has become a custom followed throughout the AA world, even when hospitalization is not necessary.”

Listening to the Experience of Others

Many of us were convinced we could do it alone. The idea of asking for help was unthinkable. If we couldn’t do it ourselves, it wasn’t going to get done. Most of this reaction toward life was based on fear – fear that others might see how helpless we really were. But listening to others wasn’t such a horrible thing, after all. Just sitting in a meeting, or talking with others in recovery, helped provide answers we could ultimately implement ourselves. What we got from others were suggestions, things that had worked for them in similar circumstances, not iron-clad directives. Slowly, with a range of possibilities provided through the experience of others, we began to trust in our own capabilities once again and to believe in ourselves, if only a little at a time. (H.O.P.E. = Hearing Other People’s Experience)

Not getting too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired

Many of us didn’t know how to take care of ourselves and often didn’t pay much attention to our physical and emotional needs. What was important was the next drug, the next drink, the next cigarette, or whatever. How we felt or when we last ate was only a secondary consideration in the chase after the next high. But, in recovery, these internal details took on a much greater relevance. We began to notice that life was a lot smoother if we paid attention to our bodies and our emotions: if we ate something when we were hungry, tried to relieve rather than exacerbate stress when we were angry, to talk to friends and sponsors and other members of our support group instead of sinking into the depths of loneliness, and actually sleeping or at least resting when we were tired instead of pushing ourselves further and further toward ultimate exhaustion. Attention to these details, we found, paid off in greater stability and a sense of control over ourselves that had been missing for years.

Keep coming back

(From the AA World Services, Inc. publication, “Living Sober”)

“Some of us go back to drinking a time or so before we get a real foothold on sobriety. If that happens to you, don’t despair. Many of us have done this and have finally come through to successful sobriety. Try to remember that alcoholism is an extremely serious human condition, and that relapses are as possible in this ailment as in others. Recovery can still follow.

“Even after setbacks, if you continue to want to get well, and remain willing to try new approaches, our experience convinces us that you have embarked with hundreds of thousands of companions on the path of a happy, healthy destiny. We hope to see you among us in person.”

Keeping the focus on ourselves

(From the Al-Anon Family Groups publication, “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions”)

“When our eyes, ears, and hearts were opened, we could free ourselves from our rigid determination to have things the way we wanted them. Then we began to grow.

“We began this growth when we overcame the impulse to criticize or blame, even when we thought we had reason to do so. We reminded ourselves that we would probably only be making matters worse.

“The feelings of release, of yielding or letting go, when we acknowledged that no change in others could be forced, helped to loosen the suffocating grip of our destructive emotions: guilt, fear, self-pity, and resentment. We found, to our surprise, a new feeling of relaxation, as though a weight had been lifted from us….

“Freed from the obsession with another person, we could focus our attention on ourselves. We looked at how our lives had become unmanageable. How did we change our negative attitudes? How did we find the path to self-awareness? What actions did we take to change ourselves for the better? How and where did we get the help we needed?”

Keeping it simple

Many of us were very good at complicating even the most straightforward of situations. It was second nature to us and generated an unsettling cloud that seemed to follow us everywhere. Nothing was easy, nothing went smoothly. Life – as we constructed it around us – was filled with obstacles. But in recovery, things began to simplify. Where before there had been a million things to worry about, now all we had to do was stay away from the first drink, the first drug, the first sexual encounter, or whatever it was that could so easily drag us back into that convoluted maze of competing desires. If we wanted to stay sober, it was necessary to simplify our thinking and streamline our actions. With the clarity brought about by meetings and talking over our situation with others, the cloud of complication around us began to settle and the obstacles we had previously found so frustrating started to melt away.